F.A.Q.

Alright, alright. I reeeally hate this page! "Ask a stupid question..." The rest is shameful history. It all started long ago when some... ass, (me) Thought it would be a wonderful way to reach out and get in touch with our Swine Clones, er, uh... customers. We sent a survey to a few hundred of our most loyal and frequent buyers, friends, and enemies. What we got back was cluster f#ck of dumb ass questions and even a few new ideas on "where I should stick it." I swear... I don't know where you freaks come from! Simple questions, simple answers... THAT's all I wanted! Who's the idiot who asked "Where are my keys?" If they were up your ass I'd bet you'd know! Get a job!!

Q: What exactly are blue balls?

A: Striking millions of teenage boys (and all of the Swine staff with unfortunate regularity), blue balls is an actual, genuine medical condition. It's real, not just a story that you tell your girlfriend! As my sex therapist Dr. Harry Palms explains, "Blue balls usually refers to congestion in the genital area - penis, scrotum, and prostate - caused by prolonged arousal which is not relieved by orgasm." Erections bring buckets of blood to your genitals that isn't drained until you achieve either orgasm or hard-on-deflating thoughts of a nude and amorous Roman Catholic priest Paul Shanley. If the congestion isn't relieved, it can actually become painful. Pain that, I think is best described as "that being-kicked-in-the-nuts-repeatedly pain, running throughout your groin." So the next time she leaves you hard up, remember: It's not masturbation. It's " therapeutic self-massage."

Q: How many people do you have to kill to be considered a serial killer?

A: Freak! Very few. Classifying a murderer as a serial killer is less a matter of body count than of psychological motivation. It's not how many people you club with a hammer, it's how and why you go about doing it. Serial killers become fixated on a certain group, such as young boys or prostitutes. They stalk them in the focused manner of predators, according to Dr. C.G. Cousin, director of the Kentucky Center for Neuropsychology ( I can't say it either.) and Forensic Behavioral Science. "They're like hobbyists," he says. "This is what they do." There is no set number or frequency of kills, "but if they've committed three or more murders, people begin to talk about them as serial killers."

Q: Do SuperHeroStrong.com products have any type of genuine guarantee?

A: Really?! THIS is a real question?! ALL goods sold here are backed by our ironclad, no bullshit guarantee: If any product constructed by the EVOL Empire blows up due to defective materials or poor craftsmanship, we will cut the head off the person who sewed it together... Or we will replace / repair it at no cost to you. If damage is determined to be your fault, we will then hunt you down like the pig that you are and beat you with a big stick... Or we will replace / repair it at a reasonable cost.

Q: You seem to think you are God's gift to this planet... Just who in the f#ck are you?!

A: Ask your sister.

SEND QUESTIONS TO: faq@swineinc.com