What follows below is a set of loosely organized "guidelines" as opposed to a hard fast set of actual rules. These "guidelines" are documented and set forth for you... The Man.

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.

2. When questioned by a buddy's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any useful information as to his whereabouts. In fact, you are even permitted to deny his very existence.

3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

4. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "...down in Tijuana", "...this one time when we were all piss drunk", or "...and this girl had the biggest rack..."

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to call out "bullshit!". Exception: when trying to pick up on a chick, the allowable exaggeration rate increases to roughly 400%.

6. Under NO circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a chick, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores above five on the traditional 1-10 "hotness" scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of FREE beer in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden.

9. A true buddy must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child, etc. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable.

10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky, fat friend of the hot chick he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the sloppy beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

11. Under no circumstances will a man ask a woman for help; if he can't do it himself it must be impossible.

12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

13. Before dating a buddy's ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say things such as... "Man, you're gonna love the way she licks your balls."

14. Hot chicks who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean. IF she succeeds, BE VERY WARY of this type of girl! Danger… Danger…

15. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything!

16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your best friend's birthday is optional and considered slightly gay.

17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies' girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice, nice with her gal pal's boyfriends - low level sports bonding is all the law requires.

19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

21. If your girlfriend asks to set your buddy up with an ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you may grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your buddy to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or actual "ass peril" are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the balls.

23. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren't wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friend's actions have caused you to think "What this guy needs is a good ass wuppin," in which case you may refrain from getting involved until said ass wuppin is deemed sufficient.

24. Friends don't let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.

25. Salad is what food eats. Under no circumstance is a salad to be considered a meal or eaten as one. In fact the only time salad is an acceptable part of a meal is when it is immediately followed by some kind of meat.

26. "Shotgun" can be called on anything where a shotgun applies, as long as you are in eyesight of the object.

27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes, as long as you don't let him be the last sorry son-of-a-bitch standing on the sideline.

28. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response. (judgement call)

30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"Come on, give me one more, harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"

31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or slice of pizza, but not both. That's just mean.

32. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For the instance when some fool violates this rule, an "I recognize you" nod will do just fine as a response.

33. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch nearby, hang up immediately if necessary.

34. You can not rat out a buddy who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover. You may however; hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, have him paged every six minutes over the loud speaker, turn the brightness on his computer way up, put clear tape over the ear and mouth piece of his phone, etc. In short... by all means, f#ck with him. He'd do it to you, right?!

35. If you catch your girl messing around with your best friend, let your states' "crime of passion laws" be your guide.

36. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a chick, you may sabotage him only in a manor that gives you no chances of getting any either.

37. Before allowing a drunken buddy to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you dead in the eye, and deliver a resounding "fuck off," then you are absolved from all responsibility. When confronted by said girlfriend refer to rule #2.

38. The morning after you and a hot chick, who was formerly referred to as "just a friend", f#ck like rabbits... The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is NO reason to not bang her once more before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

39. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it.

40. An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than one full year.

41. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. Exception: at a sporting event where a line has formed to use the pisser.

42. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your buddy and possibly a chick, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.

43. The ONLY time fucking over a buddy for a chick is acceptable is when said hot chick ranks a 8 or above on the 1-10 "hotness" scale. Exception: the chick can rank from 5-7, as long as there is oral sex involved. (judgement call)

44. Classic* A mans gotta scratch what a mans gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.

45. No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
Figure skating
Men's gymnastics
WNBA basketball

46. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or actual reference to the abomination is required or wanted.

47. No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror.

48. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by "rock, paper, scissors." There is no possible argument too important for this time tested method.

49. No man shall ever willingly watch a movie in which the main theme is dancing. And if a man happens to view such a movie, it is only acceptable in the presence of a girlfriend.

50. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
When a heroic dog dies to save his master.
After being nailed in the balls with anything moving faster than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.

51. If a bet is made, and the challenge is completed, then the bettor may recoup his money by immediately completing a more daring challenge. If he refuses the challenge or chooses not to propose one, the money must be paid up.

52. Masturbate often.

53. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of said hot chick.

54. A man's shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body. In fact the term, "matching" in association with clothing can be construed as an "outfit." Men do not wear outfits.

55. No comment shall ever be made to a man about how much he is sweating. In fact, there is no need bring notice to any body part which he may be sweating from.

56. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. Exception: Rocky 2, 3, 4, and 5.

57. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, most likely, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.

58. There is never an occasion in which any shirt without buttons may be tucked in.

59. Unless you are under the age of 9, DO NOT EVER wear tighty whities. It still escapes all reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes!!!

60. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy MUST be caught.

61. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.

62. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress.

63. In an empty room, car, etc., a man can not ask another man if he is mad just because he isn't talking.

64. Classic* If you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it.

65. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.

66. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.

67. If your buddy says "Lick my nuts" in an effort to put you down... IT IS NOT funny to reply by saying "OK" and moving your head towards his crotch. Just NOT acceptable!

68. If you say ouch, you are a pussy!

69. It is the God given duty of every guy to assist any other guy that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream... a threesome with two hot chicks!

The dysfunctional staff at SWiNE continues to be poisoned by: